OF THE MAD COW-GIRL
a comprehensive policy of government departmental
reorganization to provide the farm, and other, animals in
our midst with happy and fulfilling lives. At least from
calves to T-bone steaks, from piglets to pork chops and
lambs to shepherd's pie.
will our farm animals be forced to live in squalor while
farmers drive around in brand new Range Rovers. Anything
a farmer does to an animal in his care, short of making
steaks out of it, he should be willing to endure himself.
If we have sheep dips, then equally the farmer should be
dipped. The same applies to milking machines and the
will be put back into 'Animal Farm' as well as the 'T'
back into T-bone steak. Animal welfare will be my
foremost campaign, as a happy, well nourished animal will
produce the best quality steaks in the world.
animal edibility will be my goal, with good wholesome
meat, rather than the disgusting garlic covered muck
imported from across the English Channel.
- Income Tax
- All citizens will be rounded up and taxed in
the old traditional way of cows, sheep, goats and
pigs. Unfortunately though, a large proportion of
the population now live in cities, with little or
no access to real livestock. For this reason a
new set of coins will be issued to reflect old
- In place of the traditional coins of the realm
each monetary denomination will be replaced by
metallic tokens in the shape of livestock and
other edible foodstuffs, with their value branded
onto them. These will then be exchanged for goods
of the equivalent value in retail stores as is
currently the case.
- Getting used to this
new form of currency may take some practice, but
on the whole 50 duckies made a deerie, you can
pig out on ten turkeys, look sheepish with only
half a cow (not preserved in formaldehyde ) and
men can play with the nuts in their trousers
without fear of condemnation. Just remember that
if you look after your nuts then the duckies will
take care of themselves.
- Legal Tender
- Nuts will only be accepted up to a maximum of
ten at a time, as too many nuts can be annoying.
Anyone who attempts to pay with more nuts than
deemed legal tender will be considered a 'nutter',
arrested and sent to a 'nut house' for treatment.
- V.A.T (Venison
Affluence Tax) - It will be deemed that
if you can afford to eat venison, then you can
afford to pay extra tax to the community. The
same will be said for caviar, salmon, Quail,
Pheasant and any of the garlic covered muck
served in Froggy restaurants.
- As the Queen
primarily feasts on extravagant foods, then not
only will she be forced to pay tax, but will be
taxed at the highest rate of V.A.T. allowable. If
she changes her diet to more traditional dishes
like cod 'n' chips or pie 'n' mash, then we'll
consider a tax reduction after all back
calculated taxes have been collected.
- The Duke of Edinburgh
on the other hand will be issued with a 'gaff box'.
This is not a crotch protector against
incompetent fishermen, but a collection box which
will work similar to a 'swear box'. Instead of
contributing for foul language though, the Duke
will be expected to pay 10,000 ducks every time
he opens his mouth in public before engaging his
|THE POLICE FORCE
Division - A bill intended to protect
the porcine population's civil rights will also
work just as effectively in the metaphorical as
well as the absolute. The only difference is that
our metaphorical porkies will not be turned into
bangers. The only exception to this condition
will be the vice squad, where bangers are
actually desirable. Porking duty will be actively
encouraged in the vice squad in order to collect
sufficient evidence to bring any successful
prosecution, and who said work couldn't be fun as
Division - Pig ignorant driving, playing
chicken, being a right cow, getting the other
driver's goat and being a complete peanut head
will not be tolerated. Tinned pandas will be made
available at all times to deal with these kings
of the jungle highway. Giant pandas on the other
hand will be stationed outside kebab shops.
- Additionally our
portable porcine population will be issued with
plastic pigs (Reliant Robins) in place of their
high performance pandas. This will reduce the
number of high speed chases to zero, while at the
same time cutting the police tyre budget by 25%.
|THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM
Courts - As an alternative to being
tried by a jury of your peers the magistrate's
courts will be reorganized to reflect a modern
honest approach to judicial matters. After
importing large quantities of marsupials from
Australia I propose to replace all our
magistrates and make the current kangaroo court
system a real kangaroo court system. Even six
foot jumped up antipodean outbackers could do
better than our current six foot jumped up social
- Land Mines
- The use of land mines is a very dangerous
practice and can cause severe injury and
suffering. As an alternative I propose that the
army lay cowpats in medium to long grass. The
benefits will be similar as the enemy curses what
they've trodden in, and consequently any attack
would have been thwarted. From that point on no
self respecting soldier would use that field. A
perfect example of a natural biodegradable
(Special Animal Service) - The
use of canines in the armed forces has long been
established, but since the cavalry were given
Jeeps instead of horses the remainder of the
animal kingdom has been discriminated against. I
propose to introduce a bill preventing
discrimination against animals in our armed
services. Equally the German Shepherd shouldn't
get all the best jobs. A Chihuahua can be just as
effective as a guard dog and as a bonus can get
into places other dogs can't get. Other Special
Animal Service units suggested are as follows:
- Hedgehog Anti-personal
- Sewer Rat
Biological Warfare Corps
Defensive Wall Demolition Unit
- Skunk Trench/Bunker
- Macaw Ariel
- Sheep Sexual
- S.B.S. (Special
Bovine Service) - A special insurgent
unit will be founded consisting entirely of bulls.
These recruits will infiltrate china shops around
the world and destroy the crockery industry of
that country. Additionally the new H.Q. of the S.B.S.
will be located on the Isle of Wight at Cowes,
and from there animals will be smuggled over to
France to infiltrate their beef herds. In no time
at all we can get French beef banned worldwide.
- The Cod War
- I propose that we should reestablish a state of
war with our international fishing rivals. If a
foreign registered vessel dares to steal British
fish then the offending ship should be boarded
and the crew sentenced to one hundred lashes with
the catgut of nine fish tails. Alternatively we
could campaign to bring back the pirch,
introduce the electric eel chair or have
the enemy run through with a swordfish,
maybe even keelhauled the full bream of
the ship. At all costs we should avoid a state of
tench warfare, as this would lead to a
prolonged conflict. Depending on the scale
of the offence, when the punishment is fin-ished
the culprit should be tuna-ed over to
the civilian authorities for filleting.
- The Cod-dled
War We should all cherish and
protect the fish stocks within British water.
This will be achieved by constructing pylons at
one hundred yard intervals along the line where
British fishing waters start. Anchored nets will
then be hung between these pylons and foreign
trawlers kept out. British fish will truly be
British fish for a change.
|ROYAL AIR FORCE
Command - To compliment an organic
approach to modern life, I propose that all
traditional bombers be replaced with flying pigs
that have been fed on laxative chocolates. This
strategy will be more effective than using high
explosives because the enemy will naturally run
away and cause panic.
|THE MET OFFICE
Forecasting - Improvement to the country's
weather forecasting system has long been overdue.
We cannot continue to predict weather based on if
the weatherman says it's going to be sunny, we
carry a brolly, and if he says it will rain, we
dig out the sunglasses. In future we will harness
the power of mother nature to predict what is
happening in the skies above, and on the whole
couldn't do worse than the Met Office. A national
red sky watching service will be set up, along
with records of when cows lie down and birds fly
OF SOCIAL SECURITY
Benefit - All those receiving
unemployment benefit will be required to
contribute 25hrs/wk towards running newly set up
city farms. Not only will these farms provide
city folk with a taste of the country and
children with a live petting zoo, the meat
produced will help supplement the school kitchens.
The allocating of 25hrs/wk is set so that 10hrs
still remains to go permanent job hunting.
Benefit - Only three legged dogs, one
eyed bed snakes, Manx cats and hibernating
tortoises will be eligible for this payment.
Lesser payment could be made for fish out of
water and the hair of the dog after a loony party.
Allowance - Any family that breeds like
rabbits should therefore be rewarded with free
supplies of carrots. If used correctly they could
successfully provide a marked degree of organic
- Child Support
Agency - All bucking rabbits who hare
around the carrot patch will be required to
support their bunnies financially after the event.
Failure to do this will result in the absentee
bucks being forced to boil their carrots in oil
until suitably sterilized.
|NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE
- Bullshit paperwork will be abolished under a
blanket 'cut the bull' policy. This will not mean
castration for all men, although it may a policy
worth considering in the future. Cutting bull on
this occasion will refer to excessive bureaucracy
and not testicles.
- Some of our current hospital are not even
suitable for treating dogs in. Lack of facilities
& equipment, poor decoration and nowhere to
park your trusty steed are the most common
complains in this area. I propose to use the
money saved from administration to bring the
hospital facilities up to a level of
acceptability. Additionally the administration
departments of hospital will be moved from the
newest, most recently refurbished parts of the
facility, to the basements. Patients recovering
from surgery and illness will inherit their plush
office suites as wards.
- As it takes many years to train a doctor it
seems crazy to turn them into zombies by working
them into the ground. It is my proposal that any
manager forcing a doctor to work more than eight
hours without a break automatically takes
responsibility for any mistakes he then makes.
Only this action will stop managers acting like
ostriches when it comes to patient safety.
EDUCATION AND EMPLOYMENT
Policy - A national bovine awareness
campaign will be introduced and from early in our
children's schooling the cow's position in our
food chain will be heartily emphasized.
- Emphasis at this stage of the educational
system will be placed on identifying what a cow
is and how to tell the difference between a cow
and a bull. This will be an essential requirement
in later schooling.
- Free school milk will be reintroduced
nationally, with a cow being provided for every
infants school in the country. At this stage
though the pupils will only take an observational
role as the teachers extract dairy produce from
the animal. Note:- Hindu schools will be allowed
to substitute a goat or sheep under an anti
- By this level of education the pupils should be
taking an active role themselves in milking the
school cow. No longer will they sit watching the
teacher squeeze the udders when they are more
than capable of doing it themselves.
- Milk supplements will no longer be fashionable
to this age group, but burgers and hot dogs will
be. All secondary schools will therefore be
equipped with an abattoir to convert unwanted
infant & primary school animals into
desirable, dubiously nutritious meals.
- There will technically be no such thing as
unemployment as every able-bodied man, woman and
child will take an active role in society. Those
capable of tending city farms will be employed to
do so, and those who are not will assist in other
ways. Even single mothers will be able to join in,
as communal work groups will ensure that one
mother can look after the little ones, whilst the
others assist with the work. For those who
conscientiously object to animal farming an
arable alternative will be provided.
- It is proposed that a system of apprenticeships
be reintroduced. Throughout the animal kingdom it
has been found that learning from example
produces results, so why should humans be
different. Books may be a useful source of
information but no amount of bookwork can replace
FISHERIES AND FOOD
Subsidies - All farm subsidies should go
directly to the livestock and not to fund the
farmer's new range rover. To ensure this, any
subsidy should be paid in animal feed and not
cash. The only exception to this rule being
payment in grass seed to rejuvenate pastures for
- Beef Ban
- Instead of banning beef we should ban the bull
headed bureaucrats who impose bans. This ban will
then be made effective until they attend common
sense courses. As the risk of being gored by a
bull, whilst crossing the M25 on roller skates,
poses a larger risk than T-bone steaks, then
maybe we should ban roller skates.
- As the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and
Food are responsible for all forms of nutrition
then vegetarians should be excluded from holding
position within the ministry, as they will be in
a position of influence where bias is obvious. It
is like employing Muslims in a pork scratching
factory or Catholics in an abortion clinic.
- Crop Circles
- It will become a criminal offence to possess a
crop circle under the illegal immigration laws.
Any farmer caught encouraging alien spacecraft to
dump their unwanted citizens on our country will
be sentenced to a lifetime of alien abduction.
& Fertilizers - If a farmer wishes
to use any of these products he must first show
that they won't poison the water table. To
indicate this he will be given a dilute solution
of the chemicals to drink. If he then has no
adverse reaction after one year of medical
observation he will be granted permission to
proceed. If at any time after the initial one
year observation he eventually gets taken ill
then his authority to use the chemicals will be
Modified Crops - Scientists will be
actively encouraged to perfect a procedure for
crossing hops with beef cows. This will
effectively reduce the cost of pub grub by making
steak & ale pie a single ingredient course.
The same procedure could then be employed with
sea fish and potatoes to reduce the cost of
buying food from fish 'n' chip shops.
Modified Crop Circles - To make our
landscape more appealing to birds and tourists
flying into the country, a policy of genetically
modifying arable crops with Vincent Van Gough DNA
will be implemented. Instead of the usual boring
circles, holes and spirals, we could have very
picturesque crop circles instead. Under no
circumstances will scientists be permitted to use
the DNA of modern artists as this would make the
fields look like a bull had escaped into it.
- Fresh Water
Fishing - All anglers should be issued
with fish friendly hooks to reduce any suffering
to defenseless river dwellers. Instead of the
usual barbed metal hook, all anglers will be
required to use licorice worms coated in
waterproof adhesives. Additionally the anglers
will be required to carry fish friendly solvents
to release the fish from the worm after capture.
OF THE ENVIRONMENT,
TRANSPORT AND THE REGIONS
- All industrial pollution will be forbidden.
Only cow dung will be permitted to pollute our
countryside, but the negative aspects of this
will be negated by my energy policy.
- All non bovine wildlife will be eaten also.
Kill it, cook it will be an appropriate motto.
Killing will be compulsory, cooking optional. Raw
meat is acceptable but live meat can bite you
- Green Policy
- To combat the dull grey, unsightly, urban
sprawl, I propose to make green coloured concrete
a prerequisite to all new construction projects,
whether they be road, rail , industrial or
housing. The only exception to this rule being
the construction of bridges spanning a river.
These structures will be made with green concrete
on the approaches and blue concrete on the river
Disasters - A policy of public education
is proposed to prevent mass hysteria when a
natural disaster occurs. If you buy a house on a
river floodplain, then don't be surprised when it
gets flooded. Equally coastal erosion zones will
result in your property eventually falling into
the sea and anybody stupid enough to build a
house on an earthquake fault needs to be
certified criminally insane.
- The national pastime of playing sardines during
rush-hour will be discontinued. Instead of this
it is proposed that we build double decker trains
to accommodate all the passengers. Because the
bridges are too low though, it will be necessary
to design carriages that will duck every time a
Tunnel - As the channel tunnel was
constructed in entirely the wrong location it
should be demolished and rebuilt from Essex to
Holland. We get on very well with the Dutch, who
on the whole are much nicer people than the
French. They don't refuse our wonderful beef.
Dover-Calais may be the shortest distance but
with the Dutch experience in land reclamation we
should be able to build a six lane highway with
bridges linking man made islands across the North
Sea. If the Americans can link all the Florida
Keys then the North Sea shouldn't be that
- The regional
diversity in Britain should be actively encourage,
as one man's preference may be another man's
poison. In the inner cities for example the
consumption of fast food hamburgers may have
destroyed the ability to recognize real beef
entirely. A voluntary policy of fast food
desensitizing will be encouraged and burger
rehabilitation clinics established in rural areas.
With patience and dedication our urban population
could once again savor the delights of real
OF TRADE AND INDUSTRY
- A comprehensive re-tail policy will be one of
my top priorities after election to parliament.
Re-tailing Oxen, Manx cats, Doberman Pinchers and
adulterous husbands will be funded centrally from
DTI funds, with the exception of adulterous
husbands, who will have their appendages replaced
by the NHS, (Only if they promise not to stray
any more though).
- Restricting wholesale to business sales is
unfair on the general public. If an ordinary
citizen wants to buy baked beans by the 100 can
case, then why shouldn't they? Anybody found
doing so though should be referred to the
Alternative Energy Authority and asked to
contribute towards the new wind power initiative.
Industry - The servicing of sheep in the
hills of Yorkshire will be by strict rotation.
Each Yorkshireman will be issued with a
registration card and rationed to one sheep per
week per person. This will ensure fair shares for
everybody and adequate periods of rest for the
- Poor Service
Industry - All servicing will be graded
on a scale of 1-10 and any man consistently
scoring less than five will have his ration card
revoked. If on the other hand anyone has 52
consecutive grade 10s in a given year he will be
awarded a giant loony rosette.
MEDIA & SPORT
Performing Arts - The Royal College of
Arts will be encouraged to set up a new division
specifically dedicated to training pantomime cows.
The importance of a bovine influence in the
performing arts has long been undervalued and
superbitches instead of right cows are too common.
- Museums &
Art Galleries - Cutting cows in half and
preserving them in formaldehyde will be outlawed.
It's a waste of good steaks and an infringement
of the cow's right to privacy. Would you want
your insides displayed for all to see?
- All reading rooms should be encouraged to stock
informative books like '101 ways to cook beef'
and 'The best barbecue book in the world'. The
science and art of cow cookery has lapsed
recently and public access to recipes will be
considered an important goal during my
- A new television channel should be established,
entirely devoted to cookery programs featuring
British beef. The Barbecued Bovine Cuisine (BBC)
television station will be backed up by a second
channel called Interestingly Tasty Veal (ITV).
This second channel may be just a load of old
bullocks but further channels could be added at a
- To encourage excellence in British athletics
our budding athletes will be given additional
encouragement by training in a field containing a
bull, while wearing bright red tracksuits.
- School Sports
- Bucking broncos will supplement sex education
lessons in secondary schools. Not only will the
young males get the ride of their lives but
unwanted teenage pregnancies will be reduced, as
the boys will be too sore to think of any hanky
- The Scottish
Executive will be encourage to clamp down on the
long haired layabout Aberdeen Angus cows that
wander around the glens. Haircuts will be
suggested for all socially unacceptable bovine
citizens and all cows refusing to accept this
will be forcibly cropped.
- My intention would be
to rebuild Hadrian's Wall close to its original
lines and let the barbarians to the north of it
run their own affairs.
- Using the original
point Hadrian chose to draw a line across the
country will be beneficial in two ways:
- Joining the
Rivers Tyne & Solway with a twenty
foot high electrified fence will be made
easier to maintain by using the narrowest
part of the country. The rivers
themselves can easily be mined to prevent
any unauthorized crossing from the north.
will effectively be dumped onto the new
Scottish parliament and the city's
football club will be saved any further
humiliation from neighbouring Sunderland
by being switched to the Scottish league.
NATIONAL ASSEMBLY FOR WALES
- There really will be
a welcome in the hillside as England demands that
the Welsh stop burning down holiday homes
belonging to members of the secret society E.W.E.S.
(Experts in Wooly Entry Society). It's unfair to
both sheep and sheepspotter to refuse these
enterprising hill-walkers a degree of shelter
during their exploits.
- It is proposed that
Wales be given sovereign independence on the
proviso that the wonderful village of
is made into their capital. This will infuriate
every other country in the United Nations when
they try to write the address on any official
& COMMONWEALTH OFFICE
COMMISSIONS & CONSULATES
- All British ambassadors to foreign countries
will be dual trained in zoology and culinary arts.
This will ensure that this country will never
fall behind in the field of carnivorous colonial
conquests. Additionally the serving of boiled
missionaries at embassy functions will be re-instituted.
This will have two immediate benefits:
interference in native cultures by
western religious zealots will diminish.
nutritional status of the local
population will increase as they follow
the British ambassador's culinary example.
Immunity - There will be no diplomatic
immunity. Diplomats will be eaten also, although
they are notoriously unpalatable at the best of
times. To sweeten them up prior to serving they
should be garnished with sleaze payments.
- As Europe seems to be full of mad cows and
unwilling to accept any British ones, then it is
proposed that all diplomatic links be cut
immediately. If frogs want to suck sauerkraut
sausages over a dish of rich chocolate covered
cheese wheels then why not, provided we don't
have too. We should keep our straight cucumbers
and curved bananas. Call our chocolate what it is
and not vegolate as the silly EEC want us too. We
should be proud to be British and not just
another mad cow in the infected herd of European
politics. Unfortunately the EEC are suffering
from a severe case of B.S.E. (Blind Stupidity
Epidemic) and even the human form, Chronic
- North America
- All British restaurants will be forced to
follow the American example and only charge one
third of the current price for a steak meal.
Equally the size of the steaks will increase in
accordance with the same comparison. No longer
will American tourists be able to constantly
complain that they get bigger ones back home.
- South America
- As the Falklands war has been over for a
considerable length of time, I propose that all
the sheep on the islands be given the chance to
accept Argentinean citizenship if they so choose.
Any sheep not completing the required application
forms will remain British and at the end of the
exercise a count will be taken. If the majority
of native sheep are British then this should be
taken as an indication that the islands should
remain such. If most of the sheep decided to
become Argentinean then their choice should be
- All efforts should be made to obtain recipes
from China, Vietnam and other Asian countries.
Pussy cat pie, snakes & adders and real hot
dogs are very undervalued as a food item in this
country, but what the Chinese don't know about
skinning cats isn't worth knowing.
- As Australia seems to have an overabundance of
kangaroos, and we need good quality steaks at
affordable prices, I propose importing breeding
pairs of these meaty marsupials and set up a
kangaroo farm on the Isle of Wight. This location
should ensure that no meat escapes before being
turned into prime steaks and shipped all over the
- Maybe we should just let Africa look after
itself for a change. I'm sure they are pig sick
of every European and North American nation
sticking their noses into their personal affairs.
CUSTOMS & EXCISE
|H.M. CUSTOMS & EXCISE
- As humans carry just as many, if not more,
diseases than animals, they too should be
subjected to quarantine restrictions, if such
draconian measures are deemed necessary.
- As some communicative
diseases can take a year to manifest, then it
would be reasonable to quarantine the humans for
this length of time. If the quarantine centres
are made of reasonable quality, incorporating
swimming pools, satellite TV, leisure centres and
multiplex cinemas, it could even be worthwhile
going on holiday just to stay in quarantine ready
for the next one.
Smuggling - Drug testing on animals
should be restricted to this group of parasites
only. Any drugs found in the possession of a
smuggler should immediately be administered to
that animal. If they're only small time smugglers,
with a small quantity for personal use, then they
have nothing to worry about. It will be the pet
cemetery for big time crooks though.
- Alcohol &
Cigarette Allowance - The red and green
channels at airports and docks should be replaced
with more easily identifiable versions. This is
obviously necessary because, whereas green means
'nothing to declare', a large proportion of
travelers fail to comprehend this. My proposal is
Channel - For those who can
easily remember their allowance and never
forget how much they've packed.
Channel - For the cheeky
individuals who want to sneak in a few
extra cigs or bottles of wine.
Channel - For those booze
smugglers who refuse to change their
spots, despite repeatedly getting caught
and who's faces are well known to the
(Ass) Channel - For the small
number of people who genuinely are too
thick to know what a duty allowance is,
let alone follow it.
Channel - For the ones who aren't
carrying any duty free externally due to
an overwhelming need for consuming the
said purchases before landing or docking.
Formally the - (U.K.
ATOMIC ENERGY AUTHORITY)
|ABOLITION OF ATOMIC POWER
- All nuclear power
stations will be closed immediately and a policy
of natural energy will be introduced.
|OVERALL ENERGY POLICY
- In fact not just bullshit, but cowshit, pigshit,
chickenshit and dogshit as well. All faecal waste
from animal sources will be collected and
delivered to a central drying point and then used
to fuel old coal fired power stations.
|ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES
- Wind Power
- In collaboration with the Baked Bean Advisory
Council of the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries
& Food, it is proposed that a methane donor
service be set up nationwide. The National
Methane Donation Service will be provided with
tanker trucks and caravans to tour the counties
recruiting regular wind producers.
- Solar Power
- The drying effects of solar energy will be
harnessed to help implement the overall bullshit
energy policy. Massive turd drying farms will be
set up all over the country in giant greenhouses,
in which methane collection ducts will have been
installed. This will not only provide dry fuel
for former coal fired power stations but fuel for
gas fired ones as well.
- In collaboration with the Department of
Education & Employment, all unemployed males
with a natural aptitude for wind production will
be offered employment within newly constructed
windmills. With a considerable number of men
already showing promise it is hoped that wind
power alone will contribute greatly towards the
national energy reserves.
- Tidal Power
- Water turbines will be installed in all men's
public toilets and situated at intervals of one
foot from the ground to the ceiling. The natural
competitive nature of the male will ensure a
steady flow of energy from this source.