THE MAD COW-GIRL
SUNDERLAND SOUTH CANDIDATE

ELECTION COMMUNICATION - AKA EMERGENCY TOILET PAPER

ELECTION MANIFESTO FOR SUNDERLAND SOUTH 2005

TRANSPORT
We will institute Red/White striped zebra crossings so as to promote Sunderland and not Newcastle.

The metro line will be extended to incorporate East End, Hendon, Grangetown and Ryhope.

We'll build a second duplicate Wear Bridge alongside the first, so one can be in use while the other is always under repair, thereby resolving the traffic jams getting into the city at 'rush hour'.

HEALTH
Sunderland Royal Hospital will be required to provide valet parking, so you can actually get to your outpatient appointments on time without needing a friend to play 'car park merry-go-rounds' for an hour.

To combat the MRSA problem we'll improve on the alcohol hand lotions available at SRH. We'll install visitor dips and staff dips at the entrances. Additionally we'll employ K9 from Dr Who to patrol the wards looking for stray MRSA bugs.

We'll also get a head start on the rest of the country by researching ways to combat MRSB.

HOUSING
We propose to put Hendon & the East End back on the map by printing new maps of Sunderland with Hendon & East End in bold type. Alternatively we could rename High Barnes 'Hendon' and Roker 'The East End'.

Slum landlords will be forced to live in their empty properties so as to ensure reasonable standards are maintained and areas less likely to become run down.

SPORT & LEISURE
We propose to bring skating back to Sunderland by building a new Ice & Roller Skating Rink on half of the Bridges rooftop car park with parking for patrons on the remainder .

CULTURE
Mackem to be registered as a national language, with school courses in the subject .

Charva fashions should be recognized by Europe as a local dress, similar to Swiss alpine horn yodellers and German knee slappers. In accordance with this plan they will thereby be known as 'Mackem Horny Charva Slappers'.

CUSTOMS & EXCISE
Customs stations should be built at entry points into Sunderland and Geordies to be required to have up to date vaccinations and entry visas.

Charvas to be corralled in South Hylton Park with electric fences built around it. Nature spotting river cruises can then be organized to sail to this point, thereby regenerating interest in the now defunct Wear River Cruises.

CIVIL DEFENCE
I will defend this city from all enemies both foreign and Geordie (although I do appreciate Geordies are really foreigners).

TRADE & INDUSTRY
Tesco will only to be allowed to build on the old Vaux site provided they make the site three tiered and not two. The third level will contain a local brewery together with horse and dray deliveries.

ENVIRONMENT
Hendon "Pleasure" Beach is to be twinned with 'Blackpool' to ensure a higher quality resort. Hot Dog stands (heated kennels) will be introduced to prevent pooches freezing appendages to lampposts in winter.

Mowbray Park to be geodesically domed to give us our own northern Kew gardens crossed with the Eden project.

LOCAL GOVERNMENT
The Civic Centre eyesore building should be demolished and rebuilt in the ancient Celtic style of Braveheart, with traditional peat roofs and peat bogs surrounding it. Councillors will thereby be required to go outside for the bog.

ROYAL MAIL
The Royal Mail package collection office should have a collection loading bay outside , requiring traffic wardens to pop their head inside the door to ask who owns a car parked there. Additionally a French style guillotine could be installed in the doorway.

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